Wednesday, February 13, 2002
just when you thought democracy had won out, the commies come up with a new way to steal our glory. not that it surprises me. they think they're faking us out, using the old rope-a-dope technique. backing down during the cuban missile crisis? the fall of the berlin wall? 'democratic' presidential elections? all shams. somewhere in a secret bunker beneath moscow, stalin's clone is running things. 'president' vladimir putin is merely a pawn, the result of scientific experiments akin to those in austin powers which resulted in the birth of his son, scott.
so, yeah. communisim is making a comeback, and it's taking the form of a judging scandal at the olympics. i kind of expected this all along, i just didn't think olympic pairs figure skating would have anything to do with it. of all the events to rig, i can't figure out why they chose figure skating, nor do i understand why they spend so much time and money training their guys to be figure skaters. it just turns them into a bunch of wussies who can't put up a fight, which is what brought the commies down in the first place. will they never learn?
i would also like to point out that the french were in collusion with the current and former communist regimes (russia, poland, ukraine, and china). those frenchies....boy i'll tell you what. if you know me, you know i have about as much love for them as the taliban do for strip clubs in downtown kandahar. i know that, to the rest of the world, americans are the most arrogant people on the face of this planet, and this is probably true for the most part. but hey, at least we have something to be arrogant about. what have the french done to justify their unparalleled snobbiness? french fries (if they are even french) were nothing until americans invented the hamburger. french toast (another dubious instance of nomenclature) is soggy bread without maple syrup. can you spell c-a-n-a-d-a? every time i turn around, we've have to bail them out, from the french revolution, to world wars one and two, to vietnam. they way they fight wars, you would think they were the dominant force in figure skating, but apparently they're not even good for that. and so they repay us by collaborating with the enemy, just like during the vichy regime. next time they have a government scandal/economic crisis/mad cow disease outbreak/invasion by a foreign nation (which happens on something akin to a 5 year cycle), i say we just let things fall as they may. besides, the germans would appreciate euro-disney than the french do.
the one good thing about all this is that we get extended coverage of jamie sale (the female half) of the canadian pair (cue cheering by all males in the audience). if you don't know who she is, that's ok. just know that she's beautiful, and it's more proof that God exists, becuase nothing like her could or would ever come into existence by random chance. it just wouldn't happen. and the same goes for all the other ladies i know (that's worth at least 10 brownie points). but seriously, the big bang theory is ludicrous. it's like saying that if you take my stunning fossil watch apart, put all the pieces in a bag, and shake it for x years, the pieces will all come together perfectly to form a properly functioning watch. if you truly subscribe to this idea, then surely you have the requisite amount of faith to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, because it takes more faith to believe something like that than it does to trust in God. i made this known in my 9th grade science class and got sent outside for the rest of the period. it was actually quite a humorous event (unless you ask mrs. kuper, who worships the ground carl sagan used to walk on). if you want the whole story, ask me about it sometime.
in other world news, the norwegian prison system has decided it's a good idea to hand out viagra pills to convicted sex offenders. they found this out after an inmate, serving time for incest, was given viagra and then proceeded to sexually abuse his 16-year-old son in the prison visiting area. i am stunned at the idiocy of this string of events. mind you, this is the country where they hand out the nobel prize every year. can someone please explain to me how a nation that makes decisions like these is allowed to host an event honoring the greatest intellectual achievements of the year? perhaps they're hoping the intelligence will rub off on the locals.
oh, and remember that whole thing about the locking of the bathrooms? yeah, now you can't open the door from the inside. whoever installed the lock needs to go back to maintenance school, cuz andrew (next door) got locked in there three times last night. lucky for him we can hear him yelling through the walls. so now, in the event that an escaped inmate/nypd officer armed with a broomstick/male hating woman on steroids manages to corner me in the restroom, i have no way of escaping unless i should choose to throw myself out the second story window. but i continue to forget that logic has no place in the university decision making process, and so i am left to practically wet myself as i fumble with the keys to the bathroom at 4 in the flippin morning. i would just like to say that combining the locks with the neverending construction on the road outside has made this my most enjoyable semester yet at duke university. thank you president koehane. whatever would this school do without you?
the dripping acid is burning a hole in my desk, and so i must depart. God bless.
sounds: weezer - island in the sun
food for thought: hitler's willing executioners - daniel jonah goldhagen
so, yeah. communisim is making a comeback, and it's taking the form of a judging scandal at the olympics. i kind of expected this all along, i just didn't think olympic pairs figure skating would have anything to do with it. of all the events to rig, i can't figure out why they chose figure skating, nor do i understand why they spend so much time and money training their guys to be figure skaters. it just turns them into a bunch of wussies who can't put up a fight, which is what brought the commies down in the first place. will they never learn?
i would also like to point out that the french were in collusion with the current and former communist regimes (russia, poland, ukraine, and china). those frenchies....boy i'll tell you what. if you know me, you know i have about as much love for them as the taliban do for strip clubs in downtown kandahar. i know that, to the rest of the world, americans are the most arrogant people on the face of this planet, and this is probably true for the most part. but hey, at least we have something to be arrogant about. what have the french done to justify their unparalleled snobbiness? french fries (if they are even french) were nothing until americans invented the hamburger. french toast (another dubious instance of nomenclature) is soggy bread without maple syrup. can you spell c-a-n-a-d-a? every time i turn around, we've have to bail them out, from the french revolution, to world wars one and two, to vietnam. they way they fight wars, you would think they were the dominant force in figure skating, but apparently they're not even good for that. and so they repay us by collaborating with the enemy, just like during the vichy regime. next time they have a government scandal/economic crisis/mad cow disease outbreak/invasion by a foreign nation (which happens on something akin to a 5 year cycle), i say we just let things fall as they may. besides, the germans would appreciate euro-disney than the french do.
the one good thing about all this is that we get extended coverage of jamie sale (the female half) of the canadian pair (cue cheering by all males in the audience). if you don't know who she is, that's ok. just know that she's beautiful, and it's more proof that God exists, becuase nothing like her could or would ever come into existence by random chance. it just wouldn't happen. and the same goes for all the other ladies i know (that's worth at least 10 brownie points). but seriously, the big bang theory is ludicrous. it's like saying that if you take my stunning fossil watch apart, put all the pieces in a bag, and shake it for x years, the pieces will all come together perfectly to form a properly functioning watch. if you truly subscribe to this idea, then surely you have the requisite amount of faith to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, because it takes more faith to believe something like that than it does to trust in God. i made this known in my 9th grade science class and got sent outside for the rest of the period. it was actually quite a humorous event (unless you ask mrs. kuper, who worships the ground carl sagan used to walk on). if you want the whole story, ask me about it sometime.
in other world news, the norwegian prison system has decided it's a good idea to hand out viagra pills to convicted sex offenders. they found this out after an inmate, serving time for incest, was given viagra and then proceeded to sexually abuse his 16-year-old son in the prison visiting area. i am stunned at the idiocy of this string of events. mind you, this is the country where they hand out the nobel prize every year. can someone please explain to me how a nation that makes decisions like these is allowed to host an event honoring the greatest intellectual achievements of the year? perhaps they're hoping the intelligence will rub off on the locals.
oh, and remember that whole thing about the locking of the bathrooms? yeah, now you can't open the door from the inside. whoever installed the lock needs to go back to maintenance school, cuz andrew (next door) got locked in there three times last night. lucky for him we can hear him yelling through the walls. so now, in the event that an escaped inmate/nypd officer armed with a broomstick/male hating woman on steroids manages to corner me in the restroom, i have no way of escaping unless i should choose to throw myself out the second story window. but i continue to forget that logic has no place in the university decision making process, and so i am left to practically wet myself as i fumble with the keys to the bathroom at 4 in the flippin morning. i would just like to say that combining the locks with the neverending construction on the road outside has made this my most enjoyable semester yet at duke university. thank you president koehane. whatever would this school do without you?
the dripping acid is burning a hole in my desk, and so i must depart. God bless.
sounds: weezer - island in the sun
food for thought: hitler's willing executioners - daniel jonah goldhagen
Sunday, February 10, 2002
so much work! will it never end? of course i already know the answer to that question, but it's mildly relieving to ask, even if i'm just talking to myself. the workload is bad enough, but the pain is only exacerbated by my near pathological tendency to procrastinate in every way possible. this includes anything ranging from finishing a book today that i was supposed to have read in the first three weeks of school to starting 5 page papers a mere 3 or 4 hours before they are due. but the cherry on top is that i have yet to do one single page of reading for my military history class this entire semester. yeah, i'm bad to the bone.
on the serious tip, a little over a week ago, a freshman girl was sexually assaulted in her dorm bathroom sometime after 1 am, and someone found her about 5 hours later. first off, send up a prayer for this woman, as she must be going through some unimaginable pain. as for the guy who did this...i can only say that this is one time i wish the taliban ruled our country. he should have his means of reproduction completely severed from the rest of his body. you say it's cruel and unusual, even uncivilized, but i say it's a whole lot more effective than the p.o.s. justice system we have in place now. and you can be daggumed sure there won't be any repeat offenders floating around. civil liberties or not, anyone sick and twisted enough to do something like that to another human being deserves whatever they get.
there has been a great unease around the campus as a result of this attack, along with an armed robbery in the gardens a couple of days after that. feathers have been ruffled, and understandably so. and once again, the university beuracracy has made a big show of making changes while not actually helping the situation much. the robbery, well, there's not much you can do about that. everyone knows there are no lights in there, and there are plenty of signs saying 'do not enter after dark,' but people persist, and sometimes the percentages catch up with you. i myself have often cut through there in the wee hours of the morning, but i think the word has spread from the muggers of my past that i'm a broke mofo, so nobody messes with me anymore.
to protect against future assaults in the dorms, administrators have decreed that every bathroom lock be changed so that you must use your key to enter, somewhat like your individual dorm room. i can see where they're trying to go with this, but in a practical sense, it won't help much. the fact that whoever did this got past the magnetic card readers at the front door makes me wonder if he can't defeat your everyday, run of the mill master lock. but putting that aside, let's just say this does actually make people safer (at least they'll think they are). following this logic, it makes sense that they would change the locks in female dorms and on floors that females live on. but why change the locks in all male halls/floors (such as mine)? do they really think i'm susceptible to sexual assault by a woman, or heaven forbid, another guy? only prison inmates and nypd officers do that sort of thing, and i spend little to no time in close proximity to either of those groups. i won't even mess with the topic of a female aggressor, for fear of being roundly chastised for having poor taste.
i must now prepare to give a newscast in spanish. adios and God bless.
sounds: third eye blind - camouflage
food for thought: shooting an elephant - george orwell
on the serious tip, a little over a week ago, a freshman girl was sexually assaulted in her dorm bathroom sometime after 1 am, and someone found her about 5 hours later. first off, send up a prayer for this woman, as she must be going through some unimaginable pain. as for the guy who did this...i can only say that this is one time i wish the taliban ruled our country. he should have his means of reproduction completely severed from the rest of his body. you say it's cruel and unusual, even uncivilized, but i say it's a whole lot more effective than the p.o.s. justice system we have in place now. and you can be daggumed sure there won't be any repeat offenders floating around. civil liberties or not, anyone sick and twisted enough to do something like that to another human being deserves whatever they get.
there has been a great unease around the campus as a result of this attack, along with an armed robbery in the gardens a couple of days after that. feathers have been ruffled, and understandably so. and once again, the university beuracracy has made a big show of making changes while not actually helping the situation much. the robbery, well, there's not much you can do about that. everyone knows there are no lights in there, and there are plenty of signs saying 'do not enter after dark,' but people persist, and sometimes the percentages catch up with you. i myself have often cut through there in the wee hours of the morning, but i think the word has spread from the muggers of my past that i'm a broke mofo, so nobody messes with me anymore.
to protect against future assaults in the dorms, administrators have decreed that every bathroom lock be changed so that you must use your key to enter, somewhat like your individual dorm room. i can see where they're trying to go with this, but in a practical sense, it won't help much. the fact that whoever did this got past the magnetic card readers at the front door makes me wonder if he can't defeat your everyday, run of the mill master lock. but putting that aside, let's just say this does actually make people safer (at least they'll think they are). following this logic, it makes sense that they would change the locks in female dorms and on floors that females live on. but why change the locks in all male halls/floors (such as mine)? do they really think i'm susceptible to sexual assault by a woman, or heaven forbid, another guy? only prison inmates and nypd officers do that sort of thing, and i spend little to no time in close proximity to either of those groups. i won't even mess with the topic of a female aggressor, for fear of being roundly chastised for having poor taste.
i must now prepare to give a newscast in spanish. adios and God bless.
sounds: third eye blind - camouflage
food for thought: shooting an elephant - george orwell
