Friday, July 08, 2005
desiring God
i started this post a week and a half ago, but it started getting long & somewhat deep (or so i like to fancy), so i had to wait for a break in the action to circle back and finish it up. time to get personal.
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my dear friend melanie has been learning a lot about beauty lately, and i've been learning vicariously through her by reading her thoughts & things revealed by God on her blog. i, too, have been thinking about beauty a lot recently, but from a different perspective & in pursuit of a different goal. i think of all the times i hear my christian female friends & acquaintences talk about how their struggle with beauty is with the desire to be found beautiful. to be desired & sought after.
and the wonderful thing is they can have this when they go to the right place. when they stop seeking their value in the opinion of idiot guys with their heads stuck up their collective ass (no wonder no woman is ever 'pretty enough'), and instead seek it in God by truly accepting the fact that as a part of God's creation, they are innately beautiful. He imparted some of His beauty on everything He made, and it was literally all good. beyond that, being made in His image and bestowed with qualities constrained to humans and God Himself, she is more beautiful than anything else He's made. the crown jewel of creation. i remember hearing (only semi-facetiously) in some sermon or talk that God creating adam was just a warm-up/practice round of sorts before moving on to eve. that's where He got it right, as the story goes, and i find it hard to disagree. simply stated, she is God's masterpiece.
the thing about it is women were made to be found beautiful & they are most satisfied when they seek that in God. they were also made to be attracted to men, and God, in all His mighty warrior, doting Father, sensuous Lover qualities, is the paragon nonpareil who fulfills the idea of maleness more than any 'perfect guy' ideal we humans could ever come up with. this FatherLoverWarrior, Who is the ultimate shelter from harm, Who responds to perfectly & fulfills every emotional need, Who fought, died, rose again, won, and continues fighting for her beauty...He's all over the Bible. in terms of qualities, women have no lack of an image or idea of how they can/are to relate to God, and as a guy, i have the archetype after which to model myself (a hopeless but necessary task).
so i talk to my friends, read their posts, and see how in love they are with God. their perfect Man. there's no need for anything or anyone else. their desire for intimacy is fulfilled in Him. that's good. that's great. that's wonderful.
right now, i'm jealous of every woman who has a relationship with the Lord for that very reason. they can imagine they God they're supposed to be in love with. His qualities match perfectly with their desires, right down to the male-female connection. the mere IDEA of Him touches their hearts. and me? i'm a guy. wired different. dissimilar needs. desires. struggles. i know that i should love God for every reason that a woman would, and i do. He is everything i need, of that there is no doubt in my mind. but something is lacking for me. that passionate relationship. a LUST for God.
just as women were made to be found beautiful, i was made to find beautiful. to desire it. cherish and adore. i'm having a really hard time finding that in Him. that whole list of characteristics that the women are attracted to because that's how they are fulfilled? God as my doting Father? as my Song of Solomon Lover? as the Warrior fighting for my life? yes, those ideas minister to me just like every other christian, but they don't fulfill those deeper desires i was created for. those are things that i want to BE, not have done to or for me.
i want to see God's beauty in that 'ohmygoodnessyouaresouneffingbelievablygorgeousican'ttakemyeyesoffyou' way. the way it's so easy for me to see her -- the feminine. to my everlasting shame & stumble. i want to be so enraptured by Him that i'll be unable to tear my eyes away, for fear of missing a moment of eternity.
why am i having so much difficulty seeing the God of the universe this way? why can i not find images of His beauty in the Bible that draw me to Him the way she is drawn to His love & strength?
why do i feel the need to find feminine beauty in Him (which is there somewhere, because her beauty comes from Him), instead of allowing the beauty of overall creation being enough? has my mind become so corrupt & perverse as to trick myself into believing that is the only beauty that will satisfy? or is this a legitimate desire that i have?
some modern uberfeminist might opine that i'm making too much of God's non-existent gender, for He is neither male nor female. but He did make adam in His image. and i think the God of the universe would have been able to overcome whatever misogynistic tendencies that might have tempted Biblical authors, should they have been so inclined to make She a He for the sake of male hegemony in political, social and domestic realms.
the truth is that, to whatever extent, God is a He. if He were a She, would this problem be solved? would it be reversed? i don't know, but it's moot point since that's not the case.
where am i going with this? i want to know God not just in an intellectual sense. i long for my desire for beauty to be found and fulfilled in Him in an intimate, heart to heart manner. the way women can see Him as the ultimate husband. cuz being the bride of Christ all dressed up in white doesn't quite appeal to me the way it does a woman. what is the image that will make that connection for me? where is that part of Him that will seduce my soul and completely eradicate any thoughts of idolatrously straying to impotent lovers? or is it my perception that needs to change? where do i go from here?
soul stirrin': jars of clay - jealous kind
ink, mind & parchment: hebrews 3 by God
i started this post a week and a half ago, but it started getting long & somewhat deep (or so i like to fancy), so i had to wait for a break in the action to circle back and finish it up. time to get personal.
****************************************************************************************************************************************
my dear friend melanie has been learning a lot about beauty lately, and i've been learning vicariously through her by reading her thoughts & things revealed by God on her blog. i, too, have been thinking about beauty a lot recently, but from a different perspective & in pursuit of a different goal. i think of all the times i hear my christian female friends & acquaintences talk about how their struggle with beauty is with the desire to be found beautiful. to be desired & sought after.
and the wonderful thing is they can have this when they go to the right place. when they stop seeking their value in the opinion of idiot guys with their heads stuck up their collective ass (no wonder no woman is ever 'pretty enough'), and instead seek it in God by truly accepting the fact that as a part of God's creation, they are innately beautiful. He imparted some of His beauty on everything He made, and it was literally all good. beyond that, being made in His image and bestowed with qualities constrained to humans and God Himself, she is more beautiful than anything else He's made. the crown jewel of creation. i remember hearing (only semi-facetiously) in some sermon or talk that God creating adam was just a warm-up/practice round of sorts before moving on to eve. that's where He got it right, as the story goes, and i find it hard to disagree. simply stated, she is God's masterpiece.
the thing about it is women were made to be found beautiful & they are most satisfied when they seek that in God. they were also made to be attracted to men, and God, in all His mighty warrior, doting Father, sensuous Lover qualities, is the paragon nonpareil who fulfills the idea of maleness more than any 'perfect guy' ideal we humans could ever come up with. this FatherLoverWarrior, Who is the ultimate shelter from harm, Who responds to perfectly & fulfills every emotional need, Who fought, died, rose again, won, and continues fighting for her beauty...He's all over the Bible. in terms of qualities, women have no lack of an image or idea of how they can/are to relate to God, and as a guy, i have the archetype after which to model myself (a hopeless but necessary task).
so i talk to my friends, read their posts, and see how in love they are with God. their perfect Man. there's no need for anything or anyone else. their desire for intimacy is fulfilled in Him. that's good. that's great. that's wonderful.
right now, i'm jealous of every woman who has a relationship with the Lord for that very reason. they can imagine they God they're supposed to be in love with. His qualities match perfectly with their desires, right down to the male-female connection. the mere IDEA of Him touches their hearts. and me? i'm a guy. wired different. dissimilar needs. desires. struggles. i know that i should love God for every reason that a woman would, and i do. He is everything i need, of that there is no doubt in my mind. but something is lacking for me. that passionate relationship. a LUST for God.
just as women were made to be found beautiful, i was made to find beautiful. to desire it. cherish and adore. i'm having a really hard time finding that in Him. that whole list of characteristics that the women are attracted to because that's how they are fulfilled? God as my doting Father? as my Song of Solomon Lover? as the Warrior fighting for my life? yes, those ideas minister to me just like every other christian, but they don't fulfill those deeper desires i was created for. those are things that i want to BE, not have done to or for me.
i want to see God's beauty in that 'ohmygoodnessyouaresouneffingbelievablygorgeousican'ttakemyeyesoffyou' way. the way it's so easy for me to see her -- the feminine. to my everlasting shame & stumble. i want to be so enraptured by Him that i'll be unable to tear my eyes away, for fear of missing a moment of eternity.
why am i having so much difficulty seeing the God of the universe this way? why can i not find images of His beauty in the Bible that draw me to Him the way she is drawn to His love & strength?
why do i feel the need to find feminine beauty in Him (which is there somewhere, because her beauty comes from Him), instead of allowing the beauty of overall creation being enough? has my mind become so corrupt & perverse as to trick myself into believing that is the only beauty that will satisfy? or is this a legitimate desire that i have?
some modern uberfeminist might opine that i'm making too much of God's non-existent gender, for He is neither male nor female. but He did make adam in His image. and i think the God of the universe would have been able to overcome whatever misogynistic tendencies that might have tempted Biblical authors, should they have been so inclined to make She a He for the sake of male hegemony in political, social and domestic realms.
the truth is that, to whatever extent, God is a He. if He were a She, would this problem be solved? would it be reversed? i don't know, but it's moot point since that's not the case.
where am i going with this? i want to know God not just in an intellectual sense. i long for my desire for beauty to be found and fulfilled in Him in an intimate, heart to heart manner. the way women can see Him as the ultimate husband. cuz being the bride of Christ all dressed up in white doesn't quite appeal to me the way it does a woman. what is the image that will make that connection for me? where is that part of Him that will seduce my soul and completely eradicate any thoughts of idolatrously straying to impotent lovers? or is it my perception that needs to change? where do i go from here?
soul stirrin': jars of clay - jealous kind
ink, mind & parchment: hebrews 3 by God
